The Lost Duke of Wyndham Chapter Nineteen

The drive to preciselylersbridge was eerything gob remembered. The guides, the birds, the precise smell of green as the wind ruffled the grassThese were the sights and goods of his childhood. nonhing had changed. It ought to hurt been comforting.It wasnt.When he exposed his eye that morning, floor had al clear slipped from the bed and do her way covering to her bear dwell. He was disappointed, of gradation hed been awakened by his own love and desire for her, and unavoidablenessed nonhing to a greater extent than than to ruck her back into his arms. tho he had unders in each cased. Life was non as bring prohibited for a charr as for a man, even a woman of independent means. clothe had her reputation to consider. doubting Thomas and Amelia would never rank a word against her, solely jacklight did non endure Lord Crowland hale enough to guess what he world power do if approval were caught in his bed. And as for the dowagerWell, it went with show up re gistering that shed happily destroy grace of God now, if disposed(p) the jeopardy.The travel whiley minus the dowager, to e genuinely geniuss relief met up in the inns dining room for break fast. tinkers dam knew hed been unable to keep his heart from his eyes when he aphorism blessing enter the room.Would it always be this way, he wondered. Would he deliberate her and feel this indescribable, overwhelming festinate of feeling?It wasnt even desire. It was outlying(prenominal) more than that.It was love.Love. With a capital L and swirly script and hearts and flowers and whatever else the angels and yes, every survive(predicate) those annoying little cupids wished to use for embellishment.Love. It could be nonhing else. He saw dramatise and he felt joy. non save his joy, barely everyones. The fantastic seated behind him. The acquaintance across the room. He saw it alone. He felt it all.It was amazing. Humbling. benevolence expressioned at him, and he was a better man.And she purpose he would allow anyone to keep them apart.It would non happen. He would not permit it happen.Throughout breakfast she did not precisely avoid him thither were utmost too many shared gazes and secret smiles for that. pacify she had been careful not to seek him out, and indeed, hed not had an opportunity to speak with her even once. He credibly wouldnt bear been able to do so even if mildness was not so inclined to be circumspect Amelia slipped her hand in mildnesss remedy after breakfast and did not let go.Safety in numbers, jacks unconquerable. The 2 ladies were stuck in the coach all day with the dowager. He would contri howevere been blindly reaching for a hand if forced to endure the same.The common chord gentlemen rode on horseback, taking advantage of the fine weather. Lord Crowland decided to be dumbfound a seat in the carriage after their inaugural blank out to water the horses, notwithstanding thirty minutes later he was stagg er back out, declaring the ride utmost less exhausting than the dowager.You would abandon your missy to the dowagers venom? Jack asked mildly.Crowland did not even try to grow excuses. I did not say I was proud of myself.The Outer Hebrides, Thomas give tongue to, trotting by. Im grievous you, Audley, its the key to your happiness.The Outer Hebrides.The Outer Hebrides? Crowland echoed, flavor from man to man for explanation. around as far as the Orkneys, Thomas state cheerfully. And some(prenominal) more fun to say.Have you holdings there? Crowland asked.not yet, Thomas replied. He mattered over at Jack. Perhaps you can restore a nunnery. Something with insurmountable walls.Jack piece himself enjoying the mental picture. How have you lived with her for so colossal? he asked.Thomas shake his dot. I have no idea.They were talking as if it were already decided, Jack realized. They were talking as if he had already been named the duke. And Thomas did not seem to mind. If anyth ing, he appeared to be looking forward to his imminent dispossession.Jack looked back at the carriage. bedight had insisted that she could not attach him if he was the duke. And yet, he could not imagine doing it without her. He was un lively for the duties that came with the title.Astoundingly so. besides she knew what to do, didnt she? Shed lived at Belgrave for quintuplet years. She had to know how the place was run. She knew the name of every eventually servant, and as far as he could tell, their birthdays, too.She was kind. She was gracious. She was innately fair, of impeccable judgment, and far more healthy than he.He could not imagine a more perfect duchess.But he did not take to be the duke.He truly didnt.Hed done for(p) over it in his mind countless times, reminding himself of all of the reasons wherefore hed crystallise a very bad Duke of Wyndham, plainly had he ever truly light out and state it plainly?He did not want to be the duke.He looked over at Thomas, w ho was looking up at the sun, shading his eyes with his hand.It must be past noon, Lord Crowland give tongue to. Shall we grab for lunch?Jack shrugged. It did not matter to him.For the sake of the ladies, Crowland said.As one, they glum and looked over their shoulders toward the carriage.Jack thought he saw Crowland cringe. Its not more or less in there, he said in a low voice.Jack quirked a brow.The dowager, Crowland said, shuddering. Amelia begged me to let her ride after we watered the horses.That would be too cruel to seemliness, Jack said.Thats what I told Amelia.As you were fleeing the carriage, Thomas murmured, smiling solely a little.Crowland cocked his head. I would never claim otherwise.And I would never batter you for it.Jack listened to the exchange with little interest. By his estimation, they were cosy halfway to Butlersbridge, and it was outgrowth increasingly challenging to find humor in the inane. in that respect is a clearing a mile or so ahead, he said . Ive halt there sooner. Its suitable for a picnic.The two other men nodded their agreement, and about 5 minutes later theyd found the spot. Jack dismounted and went immediately to the carriage. A groom was helping the ladies conquer, but as leniency would be the last to alight, it was easy enough for him to position himself so he might scoop her hand when she emerged.Mr. Audley, Grace said. She was nothing but polite, but her eyes shone with a secret warmth.Miss Eversleigh. He looked down at her sing. The corners were moving reasonable aboutwhatvery slightly. She wanted to smile. He could see it.He could feel it.I will eat in the carriage, the dowager announced sharply. Only hea wherefores eat on the ground.Jack tapped his chest and grinned. Proud to be a hea and because. He quirked his head toward Grace. And you?Very proud.The dowager marched once around the perimeter of the field to stretch her legs, she said and accordingly disappeared back inside the carriage.Th at must have been very ambitious for her, Jack commented, watching her go.Grace had been examining the contents of a picnic basket, but at that she looked up. Difficult?There is no one to harass in the carriage, he explained.I think she feels that we have all ganged up upon her.We have.Grace looked conflicted. Yes, but Oh no. He was not going to listen to her misrepresent excuses for the dowager. Dont tell me that you harbor any sympathy toward her.No. Grace shook her head. I wouldnt say that, but You are far too softhearted.At that she smiled. Sheepishly. Perhaps.Once the blankets were laid out, Jack maneuvered them so they were seated a fleck apart from the others. It was not very difficult or very transparent to do so Amelia had sat down next to her father, who appeared to be delivering some smorgasbord of lecture, and Thomas had wandered off, probably in search of a tree that needed watering.Is this the road you traveled when you went to school in Dublin? Grace asked, r eaching for a slice of bread and cheese.Yes.Hed tried to keep the strictness out of his voice, but he must not have succeeded, because when he looked at her, she was regarding him in that unsettling way of hers. Why dont you want to go sept?she asked.It was on the tip of his tongue to say that her imagination was too active, or, since he really ought to be reverting to form, something clever and grandiose, involving sunshine, twittering birds, and milk of human kindness.Statements uniform that had got him out of far more delicate situations than this.But he hadnt the verve just now, nor the will.And, anyway, Grace knew better. She knew him better. He could be his usual flip and rummy self, and most of the time he hoped she would love him for it. But not when he was trying to hide the truth.Or hide from the truth.Its complicated, he said, because at least that wasnt a lie.She nodded and turn to her lunch. He waited for another question, but none were forthcoming. So he picked up an orchard apple tree.He looked over. She was cutting into a slice of articulation chicken, her eyes on her utensils. He opened his mouth to speak, accordingly decided not to, then brought the apple to his mouth.Then didnt bite into it.Its been over five years, he blurted out.She looked up. Since youve been home?He nodded.Thats a long time.Very long. to a recess long?His fingers tightened around the apple. No.She took a few bites of her meal, then looked up. Would you comparable me to slice that apple for you?He handed it over, mostly because hed forgotten he was holding it. I had a cousin-german, you know. Bloody hell, where had that come from? He hadnt meant to say anything about Arthur. Hed spent the last five years trying not to think about him, trying to cave in current that Arthurs was not the last attend he saw before he fell sound asleep(predicate) at dark.I thought youd said you had three cousins, Grace said. She wasnt looking at him she gave every sign of giv ing her complete focus to the apple and knife in her hands.Only two now.She looked up, her eyes large with sympathy. I am sorry.Arthur died in France. The words sounded rusty. He realized it had been a long time since hed said Arthurs name aloud. Five years, probably.With you? Grace asked softly.He nodded.She looked down at the apple slices, now neatly arranged on a plate. She didnt seem to know what to do with them.Youre not going to say that it wasnt my fault? he said, and he hated the sound of his voice. It was hollow, and pained, and sarcastic, and desperate, and he couldnt conceive what hed just said.I wasnt there, she said.His eyes flew to her incline.I cant imagine how it would have been your fault, but I wasnt there. She reached across the food and laid her hand briefly atop his. Im sorry. Were you close?He nodded, turning away and pretending to look at the trees. Not so such(prenominal) when we were young. But after we left for school He pinched the bridge of his nose, w ondering how to explain just what Arthur had done for him. we found much more in common.Her fingers tightened around his, and then she let go. It is difficult to lose individual you love.He looked back at her once he was satisfied that his eyes would remain dry. When you lost your parentsIt was horrible, she answered. Her lips moved at the corners, but not into a smile. It was one of those flashes of movement a tiny, little rush of emotion, escaping almost without notice. I didnt think I should die, Grace said softly, but I did not know how I would live.I wish But he didnt know what he wished. That he could have been there for her? What entire would he have been? Five years ago hed been broken, too.The dowager saved me, she said. She smiled wryly. Isnt that whimsical?His brows rose. Oh, come now. The dowager does nothing out of the goodness of her heart.I did not say why she did it, just that she did. I should have been forced to marry my cousin if she had not taken me in.He too k her hand and brought it to his lips. I am prosperous you did not.So am I, she said, without any trace of tenderness. He is awful.Jack chuckled. And here Id hoped you were relieved to have waited for me.She gave him an arch look and withdrew her hand. You have not met my cousin.He finally took one of the apple pieces and bit into it. We have an overabundance of abhorrent relations, you and I.Her lips twisted in thought, and then her body twisted so that she could look back toward the carriage. I should go to her, she said.No, you shouldnt, Jack said firmly.Grace sighed. She did not want to feel sorry for the dowager, not after what the dowager had said to her the night before. But her parley with Jack had brought back memoriesand reminded her just how very much she was indebted to her.She turned back to Jack. She is all alone.She deserves to be alone. He said this with great conviction, and more than a touch of surprise, as if he could not remember the matter might be under dis cussion.No one deserves to be alone.Do you really believe that?She didnt, butI want to believe it.He looked at her dubiously.Grace started to rise. She looked this way and that, making sure no one could hear, and said, You should not have been kissing my hand where peck can see, anyway.She stood then, stepping quickly away, before he had a chance to make a reply.Have you finished your lunch? Amelia called out as she passed.Grace nodded. Yes. I am going to the carriage to see if the dowager needs anything.Amelia looked at her as if shed gone mad.Grace gave a little shrug. Everybody deserves a number chance. She thought about that, then carryed, mostly to herself, That, I really do believe. She marched over to the carriage. It was too high for her to climb up herself, and the grooms were nowhere in sight, so she called out, Your grace Your graceThere was no reply, so she said, a little louder, MaamThe dowagers irate visage appeared in the open doorway. What do you want?Grace remind ed herself that she had not spent a lifetime of sunshine mornings in church for nothing. I wished to inquire if you needed anything, your grace.Why? ripe(p) field, she was suspicious. Because I am a courteous person, Grace said, somewhat impatiently.And then she crossed her arms, waiting to see what the dowager said to that.The dowager stared down at her for several(prenominal) chips, then said, It is my experience that nice people dont need to advertise themselves as such.Grace wanted to inquire what sort of experience the dowager had with nice people, since it was her own experience that most nice people fled the dowagers presence.But that seemed catty.She took a breath. She did not have to do this. She did not have to help the dowager in any way. She was her own woman now, and she did not need to worry over her security.But she was, as she had renowned, a nice person. And she was determined to remain a nice person, regardless of her improved circumstances. She had waited upon the dowager for the last five years because shed had to, not because she wanted to. And nowWell, she still didnt want to. But shed do it. Whatever the dowagers motives five years ago, she had saved Grace from a lifetime of unhappiness. And for that, she could spend an min be to the dowager. But more than that, she could choose to spend an hour attending to her.It was amazing what a difference that made.Maam? Grace said. That was all. Just maam. Shed said enough. It was up to the dowager now.Oh, very well, she said irritably. If you feel you must.Grace kept her face utterly serene as she allowed Lord Crowland (who had caught the latter half of the conversation and told Grace she was mad) to help her up. She took her prescribed seat facing backward, as far from the dowager as possible and folded her hands neatly in her lap. She did not know how long they would be sitting here the others had not seemed quite ready to quit their lunch.The dowager was looking out the window Grace ke pt her eyes on her hands. Every now and then shed steal a glance up, and every time, the dowager was still turned away, her posture hard and stiff, her lips pinched tight.And then perhaps the fifth time Grace looked up the dowager was staring sequent at her.You disappoint me, she said, her voice low not quite hiss, but something close to it.Grace held her silence. She held everything, it seemed her posture, her breath. She did not know what to say, except that she would not apologize. Not for having the audacity to reach out for happiness.You were not supposed to leave.I was but a servant, maam.You were not supposed to leave, the dowager said again, but this time something at bottom her seemed to shake. Not quite her body, and not quite her voice.Her heart, Grace realized with a jerking. Her heart was shaking.He is not what I expected, the dowager said.Grace blinked, trying to follow. Mr. Audley?Cavendish, the dowager said sharply.You did not know that he existed, Grace said, as gently as she was able. How could you have expected anything?The dowager did not answer. Not that question, anyway. Do you know why I took you into my home?she asked instead.No, Grace said softly.The dowagers lips pressed to haveher for a blink of an eye before she said, It was not right. A person should not be alone in this world.No, Grace said again. And she believed it, with her whole heart.It was for the both of us. I took a terrible thing and turned it into good. For both of us. Her eyes narrowed, dense into Graces. You were not supposed to leave.And then good heavens, Grace could not believe she was saying it, but I will come visit you, should you wish.The dowager swallowed, and she looked like a shot ahead when she said, That would be acceptable.Grace was saved from further reply by the arrival of Amelia, who informed them that they would depart momentarily. And indeed, shed had barely enough time to deign into her seat when the carriage wheels creaked into motion, a nd they began to roll forward.No one spoke.It was better that way.several(prenominal) hours later, Grace opened her eyes.Amelia was staring at her. You fell asleep, she said quietly, then put her finger to her lips as she motioned to the dowager, who had also dozed off.Grace covered a yawn, then asked, How much longer do you think we have until we get there?I dont know. Amelia gave a little shrug. Perhaps an hour? 2? She sighed then, and leaned back.She looked tired, Grace thought. They were all tired.And scared.What will you do? Grace asked, before she had the chance to think better of it.Amelia did not open her eyes. I dont know.It was not much of an answer, but then again, it hadnt been a fair question.Do you know what the funniest part of it is? Amelia asked quite suddenly.Grace shook her head, then remembered that Amelias eyes were still unsympathetic and said, No.I keep thinking to myself, This isnt fair. I should have a choice. I should not have to be traded and bartered li ke some sort of commodity. But then I think, How is this any different? I was given to Wyndham years ago. I never made a complaint.You were just a baby, Grace said.Still, Amelia did not open her eyes, and when she spoke, her voice was quiet and full of recrimination. I have had many years to lodge a complaint.Amelia I have no one to blame but myself.Thats not true.Amelia finally opened her eyes. One of them, at least. Youre just saying that.No, Im not. I would, Grace admitted, because it was true. But as it happens, I am telling the truth. It isnt your fault. Its not anyones fault, really. She took a breath. permit it out. I wish it were. It would be so much easier that way.To have someone to blame?Yes.And then Amelia whispered, I dont want to marry him.Thomas? Grace asked. Amelia had spent so long as his fiancee, and they did not seem to have any great affection for one another.Amelia looked at her curiously. No. Mr. Audley. authentically?You sound so shocked.No, of course not, G race said hurriedly. What was she to say to Amelia that she was so desperately in love with him herself that she could not imagine anyone not lacking(p) him? Its just that hes so handsome, she improvised.Amelia gave a little shrug. I suppose.She supposed? Hadnt she ever seen him smile?But then Amelia said, Dont you find him a little too charming?No. Grace immediately looked down at her hands, because her no had come out in not at all the strengthen of voice shed intended. And indeed, Amelia must have heard it, too, because her next words were Grace Eversleigh, do you fancy Mr. Audley?Grace stammered and stumbled, and managed a rather croaky, I before Amelia cut in with You do.It does not signify, Grace said, because what was she supposed to say? To Amelia, who might or might not be engaged to marry him.Of course it signifies. Does he fancy you?Grace wanted to melt into the seat.No, Amelia said, sounding exceedingly amused. Dont answer. I can see from your face that he does. We ll.I certainly shall not marry him now.Grace swallowed. Her throat tasted bitter. You should not refuse him on my account.What did you just say?I cant marry him if hes the duke.Why not?Grace tried to smile, because really, it was sweet of Amelia to ignore the difference in their positions. But she could not quite manage it. If he is the duke, he will need to marry someone suitable. Of your rank.Oh, dont be silly, Amelia scoffed. Its not as if you grew up in an orphanage.There will be scandal enough. He must not add to it with a sensational marriage.An actress would be sensational. You will merely be a weeks worth of gossip.It would be more than that, but Grace saw no point in arguing further. But then Amelia said I do not know Mr. Audleys mind, or his intentions, but if he is prepared to dare everything for love, then you should be, too.Grace looked at her. How was it that Amelia suddenly looked so very wise? When had that happened?When had she stopped macrocosm Elizabeths little s ister and becomeherself?Amelia reached out and squeezed her hand. Be a woman of courage, Grace. She smiled then, murmuring something to herself as she turned and looked out the window.Grace stared straight ahead, thinkingwonderingwas Amelia right? Or was it just that she had never faced hardship? It was easy to talk about being courageous when one had never come face-to-face with desperation.What would happen if a woman of her background married a duke? Thomass mother had not been an aristocrat, but when she married his father, he was only third in line to inherit, and no one had expected her to become a duchess. By all accounts, she had been frightfully unhappy. Miserable, even.But Thomass parents had not loved each other. They had not even want each other, from what Grace had heard.But she loved Jack.And he loved her.Still, it would all be so much simpler if he turned out not to be the legitimate son of John Cavendish.And then, out of nowhere, Amelia whispered, We could blame th e dowager. As Grace turned to her in confusion, Amelia clarified, For this. You said it would be easier if we had someone to blame.Grace looked over at the dowager, who was seated across from Amelia. She was snoring softly, and her head was perched at what had to be an uncomfortable angle. It was remarkable, but even in repose her mouth was pinched and unpleasant.Its certainly more her fault than anyone elses, Amelia added, but Grace noted that she tossed a nervous glance at the dowager as she spoke.Grace nodded, murmuring, I cannot disagree with that.Amelia stared off into space for several seconds, and then, just when Grace was persuade that she did not plan to respond, she said, It didnt make me feel any better.Blaming the dowager?Yes. Amelias shoulders slumped a bit. Its still horrible. The whole thing.Dreadful, Grace agreed.Amelia turned and looked at her directly. cover bad.Grace gasped. AmeliaAmelias face wrinkled in thought. Did I use that correctly?I wouldnt know.Oh, come now, dont tell me you havent thought something just as unladylike.I wouldnt say it.The look Amelia gave her was as clear as a dare. But you thought it.Grace felt her lips twitch. Its a damned shame.A bloody inconvenience, if you ask me, Amelia responded, fast enough so Grace knew shed been saving that one.I have an advantage, you know, Grace said archly.Oh, really?Indeed. I am privy to the servants talk.Oh, come now, you wont be convincing me that the housemaids at Belgrave talk like the fishmonger.No, but sometimes the footmen do.In front of you?Not on purpose, Grace admitted, but it happens.Very well. Amelia turned to her with quirked lips and humor in her eyes. Do your worst.Grace thought for a moment and then, after darting a quick glance across the carriage to make sure that the dowager was still asleep, she leaned forward and whispered in Amelias ear.When she was through, Amelia drew back and stared at her, blinking three times before saying, Im not sure I know what that mean s.Grace frowned. I dont think I do, either.It sounds bad, though.Sodding bad, Grace said with a smile, and she patted Amelias hand.Amelia sighed. A damned shame.Were repeating ourselves, Grace pointed out.I know, Amelia said, with a fair bit of feeling. But whose fault is it? Not ours. Weve been far too sheltered.Now that, Grace announced with flair, really is a damned shame.A bloody inconvenience, if you ask me.What the devil are the two of you talking about?Grace gulped, and she stole a glance at Amelia, who was staring at the now quite awake dowager with a alike(p) look of horror.Well? the dowager demanded.Nothing, Grace chirped.The dowager regarded her with a most unpleasant expression, then turned her icy attentions to Amelia.And you, Lady Amelia. Where is your breeding?And then Amelia oh, dear heavens she shrugged her shoulders and said, Damned if I know.Grace tried to hold still, but her shock positively burst out of her, and she rather feared she spat upon the dowager. Wh ich did seem ironic, that the first time she did such a thing, it should be accidental.You are disgusting, the dowager hissed. I cannot believe I considered forgiving you.Stop picking on Grace, Amelia said. With surprising force.Grace turned to Amelia in surprise.The dowager, however, was furious. I beg your pardon.I said, stop picking on Grace.And who do you think you are, to order me about?As Grace watched Amelia, she would have sworn she changed right before her very eyes. Gone was the unsealed girl, in her place was The future Duchess of Wyndham, or so Im told.Graces lips parted in shock. And admiration.Because really, Amelia added disdainfully, if Im not, what the devil am I doing here, halfway across Ireland?Graces eyes darted from Amelia to the dowager and back. And then back again. And then Well, suffice it to say, it was a monstrously long moment of silence.Do not speak again, the dowager finally said. I cannot tolerate the sound of your voices.And indeed, they all remain ed silent for the rest of the journey. Even the dowager.